This right here is a personal post. I hope it helps you have a meaningful breakthrough.
To get right to the point, I discovered the roots of a fear I’ve had around putting myself out there. It’s weird to say this in a blog but putting content out for the world to see, is horrifying.
It turns out I’ve hated putting myself out there because of a shared identity.
By understanding what shared identities are, you might realize that a personality trait you have is actually just programming. Let me explain.
Chapter 3 of my book S.A.V.E. Yourself is about 10 “poor” mindsets that destroy your healthy relationship with money. One of them is identities that you’ve taken on from your family (or other influential group in your childhood.)
Imagine a parent saying, “In this family we work hard just to keep a roof over our head!”
Can you picture your mom or dad saying something like that?
As a kid, we hear our parents say things about the family. It gives us a sense of who we are. Being so open and vulnerable, we accept these identities blindly. Our young brains take these words seriously and literally. The impression is then embedded into our subconscious minds. Years later we forget that we “signed up” for this shared identity.
Later in life, when we try and do something that runs counter to the identity, we can’t. We feel stuck in place and have no idea why. It’s an awful trap that we don’t know we’re caught in.
If you had this particular shared identity, you might believe that you must work hard but can only have a roof over your head, nothing more. Having success beyond simple housing would betray your family because the identity limits you to that.
Being successful would risk no longer fitting in or even being ostracized. Your family may resentfully ask, “who do you think you are?” and snicker that “you’ve changed.”
It could be an absolutely ridiculous notion that your family would be upset by your success, but if your young mind believes it, no amount of logic can overcome the fear.
The shared identity unconsciously holds you back from excelling in life, unknowingly driving your decisions – and results.
If you unconsciously fear becoming more successful than your family, you would make choices and behave in ways that keep you from surpassing them. Perhaps that looks like passing up well-paying jobs or promotions. You limit your opportunities so that at the end of the day it can be true that you work really hard just to keep a roof over your head.
So here’s my own recent revelation about my shared identity.
It occurred to me that my mom, with what she said throughout my childhood, impressed upon me that we as a family are modest, ordinary, and low-key. We aren’t flashy and don’t draw attention to ourselves.
When I was a young kid, my parents started making great money – something that was new for them – and my mom didn’t want it to be widely known. More importantly, she didn’t want my sister and I to become arrogant, spoiled brats. I get it. And I totally appreciate it.
However, my little brain took her words seriously and a bit too far. I don’t like putting myself out there at all.
Perhaps this explains why sharing myself on social media feels super painfully awkward to me. I hardly post. It just doesn’t feel appealing. I almost got sick to my stomach when I became active on LinkedIn.
The resistance inside me is intense. Even blog posts like this one stir up a profound anxiety in me.
I used to think that sharing myself just wasn’t in my personality, but it dawned on me that there was a limiting belief at play. A belief about myself that I picked up from my mom’s messages.
So of course, with the way the universe works, I have dreams that involve helping lots of people. Being seen comes with the territory.
I have two options:
- Honor the shared identity and make it impossible for people to find me, and then lament that I can’t make my dreams come true.
- Overcome this persona by unsubscribing from it, much like I unsubscribe from an e-mail lists that no longer serves me.
I choose the second one even though it’s not as easy as hitting unsubscribe. This’ll be a daily effort until all parts of me have become disentangled from this identity. One day I will have no angst in sharing myself. And then the people who I can help will be able to find me.
Is a shared identity impeding your progress? Let me know if you’re actively trying to get out from under an identity that’s holding you down. What’s working for you? If any words of encouragement from me would help, please share it with me.
